At the this low point
when I was slumped over on the toilet
at the old dive bar I’ve spent countless nights in
googling “how to be happy” on my phone
and choking back tears

I felt words roll through my brain
a near physical stabbing penetrated my soul
Sweat had beaded upon my forehead
my back felt as though I had laid in a barely filled bathtub

Forcing a smile on my face become the hardest task
occupying increasingly more energy
and burning the creases on my cheeks

I wrapped my lips around the plastic stick in my pocket
allowing the nicotine into my lungs
The sacrifice of brain cells took no toll on my emotional drive
as I craved the filling of of all my dopamine receptors

I listened in to the giggles and fake chatter beyond these 3 metal stall walls
Witnessing women create bonds with their new best friend
whose name they won’t remember in the morning.
Love and lust being discussed
with cheers and disgust.

My thumbs were stiff
my toes were shimmering with TV static
I felt my neck strain
as I bit down on the fat of my lip poking between my teeth
pulsating my tongue against the roof of my mouth

Then I stood up.

Fear flushed as toilet did
the chatters stopped as I stepped beyond the door
A dozen white crop tops and leggings stared
as I washed my hands
Classic prey and predator
each afraid and confused by the other

Neither I nor them felt as though I belonged there
yet where else was I to go?